Say you're at a party, and you meet a girl who totally does it for you. You make a pass, but it falls flat. "I'm a lesbian," says the object of your affections, and you search your brain for the perfect response. You know you can totally change her mind. You're going to hit her with some dude logic that is going to make her reconsider the way her mind and body processes attraction, because you're just so cool.
Sound like you? Tsk tsk. That line you're thinking of, the one that's going to turn her straight? She's heard it forty times, she thinks you're a dumbass, and she's got more than one clever response already ready to go.
Look, I don't fault anyone for making a pass, for expressing their attraction to someone else, for "trying." I don't care if you hit on me. I'll even say "thanks" when you tell me I have nice tits, but thinking you're that one special dude who is going to make me straight after a lifetime of unabashed lesbianism? Yeah, I'm laughing at you. My friends are laughing at you. My fans on the Internet are laughing at you.
So follow this simple guide to avoid being a joke. Banish all of the following lines from your repertoire:
1. "But I have a huge penis." So what? If I tell you I can't stand goat cheese, offering me a bunch of it isn't going to help your case. I'm sure you think your big dick is great, and I'm sure there are other people who think it's great, but someone who isn't attracted to you at all isn't going to fuck you to get some large object in her vag. That's what dildos are for (which, consequently, come in every size, are always hard, can't get me pregnant, don't carry STDs and can be put away when not in use). A guy once tried the opposite on me: "But I have a tiny dick; you won't even feel it." Well, at least that's funny.
2. "I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body." No, you're not. If you really felt that way, you'd be talking to your doctor about hormone therapy. You're a man who likes women, and there's certainly nothing wrong with that. Please don't tell me about how much you like to perform oral sex, especially not with sound effects or pantomime. Eating pussy doesn't make you a lesbian. Being a woman who fucks and dates and loves other women does. Sorry, you can't join this club.
3. "What if I just eat your pussy, we don't have to have sex?" Oral sex is sex, and by saying it's not, you're implying that the sex that I have with other women doesn't count. So you're not only pushing past the point where you should move on, you're offending the woman you're hitting on. I can't speak for you, but I'm not so desperate for someone's mouth on my genitals that I have to settle for someone I am not attracted to.
4. "How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tried it?" The men who say this to me are never bisexual. All this one does is paint a huge, red bullseye on your chest for some primo snark. You try it first and all that jazz. Come on, boys, you know what you like and you didn't have to suck a bunch of dicks and fuck a bunch of people you had no sexual response towards to figure it out.
5. "Can I join in?" Ugh, no, and now you've gone and ruined the moment. Enjoying those dykes feeling each other up? Learn to look without staring, and go ahead and watch, but don't try to butt in. Guys also tweet this at me a lot, in response to my photos of me getting down with girls. My default policy is to just ignore it. It totally makes sense that joining in is your fantasy, and porn is there to help you with that fantasy...but if you're out in the real world, keep it to yourself.
These aren't the only things you shouldn't say, but it's a start. Here's an easy trick to figure out whether what you're about to say is annoying. Before you throw out your line, think about how you'd feel if a gay guy said it to you. Will you go for some man-on-man because he's hung like a horse? How about just a BJ, no anal? Imagine you're making out with your girlfriend when a random male stranger decides to try to get in on that. Gross, right?
I'm successful with women because I actually like them. I don't see sex as something they owe me (and if you've seen my work, you know I'm more about pleasing my partner than I am about getting pleasure for myself) and I'm confident enough in myself and my body and my skills in bed to not care if any particular girl doesn't like me or isn't attracted to me. There are a lot of people in the world, and everybody likes different things. If a girl isn't in to you, move on. If she's a lesbian, move on. You'll be happier and more successful anyway if you just focus on being cool, rather than trying to wear down people's defenses. This has been a public service announcement.