What not to say to lesbians, a primer

No, you can't join inSay you're at a party, and you meet a girl who totally does it for you. You make a pass, but it falls flat. "I'm a lesbian," says the object of your affections, and you search your brain for the perfect response. You know you can totally change her mind. You're going to hit her with some dude logic that is going to make her reconsider the way her mind and body processes attraction, because you're just so cool.

Sound like you? Tsk tsk. That line you're thinking of, the one that's going to turn her straight? She's heard it forty times, she thinks you're a dumbass, and she's got more than one clever response already ready to go.

Look, I don't fault anyone for making a pass, for expressing their attraction to someone else, for "trying." I don't care if you hit on me. I'll even say "thanks" when you tell me I have nice tits, but thinking you're that one special dude who is going to make me straight after a lifetime of unabashed lesbianism? Yeah, I'm laughing at you. My friends are laughing at you. My fans on the Internet are laughing at you.

So follow this simple guide to avoid being a joke. Banish all of the following lines from your repertoire:

1. "But I have a huge penis." So what? If I tell you I can't stand goat cheese, offering me a bunch of it isn't going to help your case. I'm sure you think your big dick is great, and I'm sure there are other people who think it's great, but someone who isn't attracted to you at all isn't going to fuck you to get some large object in her vag. That's what dildos are for (which, consequently, come in every size, are always hard, can't get me pregnant, don't carry STDs and can be put away when not in use). A guy once tried the opposite on me: "But I have a tiny dick; you won't even feel it." Well, at least that's funny.

2. "I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body." No, you're not. If you really felt that way, you'd be talking to your doctor about hormone therapy. You're a man who likes women, and there's certainly nothing wrong with that. Please don't tell me about how much you like to perform oral sex, especially not with sound effects or pantomime. Eating pussy doesn't make you a lesbian. Being a woman who fucks and dates and loves other women does. Sorry, you can't join this club.

3. "What if I just eat your pussy, we don't have to have sex?" Oral sex is sex, and by saying it's not, you're implying that the sex that I have with other women doesn't count. So you're not only pushing past the point where you should move on, you're offending the woman you're hitting on. I can't speak for you, but I'm not so desperate for someone's mouth on my genitals that I have to settle for someone I am not attracted to.

4. "How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tried it?" The men who say this to me are never bisexual. All this one does is paint a huge, red bullseye on your chest for some primo snark. You try it first and all that jazz. Come on, boys, you know what you like and you didn't have to suck a bunch of dicks and fuck a bunch of people you had no sexual response towards to figure it out.

5. "Can I join in?" Ugh, no, and now you've gone and ruined the moment. Enjoying those dykes feeling each other up? Learn to look without staring, and go ahead and watch, but don't try to butt in. Guys also tweet this at me a lot, in response to my photos of me getting down with girls. My default policy is to just ignore it. It totally makes sense that joining in is your fantasy, and porn is there to help you with that fantasy...but if you're out in the real world, keep it to yourself.

These aren't the only things you shouldn't say, but it's a start. Here's an easy trick to figure out whether what you're about to say is annoying. Before you throw out your line, think about how you'd feel if a gay guy said it to you. Will you go for some man-on-man because he's hung like a horse? How about just a BJ, no anal? Imagine you're making out with your girlfriend when a random male stranger decides to try to get in on that. Gross, right?

I'm successful with women because I actually like them. I don't see sex as something they owe me (and if you've seen my work, you know I'm more about pleasing my partner than I am about getting pleasure for myself) and I'm confident enough in myself and my body and my skills in bed to not care if any particular girl doesn't like me or isn't attracted to me. There are a lot of people in the world, and everybody likes different things. If a girl isn't in to you, move on. If she's a lesbian, move on. You'll be happier and more successful anyway if you just focus on being cool, rather than trying to wear down people's defenses. This has been a public service announcement.

 

12 comments:

  1. LMAO FOREVER!!! I just have to say this again: the sexiest things about you are your intellect and your dry, witty humor! The goat cheese line literally made me choke on my drink with laughter and I’m TOTALLY going to use that in real life. In fact, with your permission I’d love to ‘borrow’ this entire list for the next hard-headed jerk that won’t take “I’m gay” for an answer, lol. 😀 And I completely agree with everything you said about the third hetero douchebag pick up line– when men say that shit to lesbians, not only are they showing that they are vulgar jackasses with no respect, boundaries, or manners but they’re insinuating that the sex we have isn’t “real sex.” This is an INSULT lesbians hear all the time. I don’t give a damn WHAT pick up artists tell socially inept men, insulting a woman is the worst way to get into her pants. Guys: if you say ANY of these lines you’re totally losing the game in more ways then one, starting with the fact that 1.you’re desperate and 2. you’re begging a disinterested LESBIAN for sex. Get a life! Anyway Lily, please keep making more of these HILARIOUS public announcements! You are too funny!

  2. LOL. Great post.
    First. Glad to see you posting again.

    I have a lot lesbian friends so I will tell you the same thing I tell them; if I ever call myself a ‘lesbian in a mans body then you are welcome to hit me with a bat’.

    Not all of us are closed minded jerks. 😉 But enough are I am sad to say.

    I would like to hope that things are changing and maybe future generations won’t have to deal with this sort of thing. Maybe it is because I am watching Star Trek I am waxing philosophical about the future.

  3. I think it’s a real violation to push someone to either change or explain a major lifestyle choice like that. I’m an atheist, and I feel a strong urge to turn the sprinkler system on when Christian evangelists knock on my door, but that’s just me. I had an upstairs neighbor some years ago who liked to lure Mormons into her apartment with orange juice and herbal tea and seduce them (they traveled in pairs then) into pulling a train on her, That was her bag, and I could see where she was coming from, no pun intended, but are two Mormons better than one? The physical rewards always seemed dubious to me, even when plaster fell from my ceiling.
    Every hetero man who’s not an absolute leper has had a drunk gay guy reach into his trousers at one time or another, men of every carnal persuasion being pretty crude, and it’s pretty revolting. The experience sticks in one’s mind and makes it difficult to become aroused for awhile. Yuck, you know, and for a lesbian to be accosted by a blunt, horny guy must be worse.
    I say worse, because I believe lesbians are the topmost link on the intellectual chain of being. I believe that, because in every negative statistic from heroin addiction to herpes, homicide to halitosis, men outscore women ten to one. That being so, a woman choosing other women as sexual and/or lifetime partners is being, at worst, prudent, a woman choosing a man as a partner is, at best, making a longshot bet and a man choosing another man would be making a lateral move choosing a female chimpanzee.
    Mother of God!
    I’ve done well with bisexual women because my parents divorced when I was young and so I grew up respecting women courtesy of my mother, because I’m fairly bright and observant and because I play harmonica professionally, and that is really good practice for talking to the canoe driver. In bed with two bisexual women, I’ve always been the cunnilingus captain of choice, but that does not mean that any real lesbian would ever have found me appealing.
    What underlies the decision? My daughter’s mother, who thought she was a lesbian but obviously wrong, said it was a matter of diet; that as soon as she stopped eating pussy, she wasn’t gay anymore. Another woman I dated was just about frottage with women and would not go down on them(I don’t know what that was about), and switched to men because she liked the penetration and the power, the latter because men become such slaves to the hetero act even when the woman puts very little into it. Neither of these women were either lesbian or particularly healthy in their attitudes about sex. They weren’t real lesbians. Most importantly, because they were with other women and plainly involved with them sexually when I met them, I did not make the first move. That needed to be their decision and taken option. That’s only decent and polite. Whizzakers.
    Real lesbians need to not be impugned upon with violations of their most personal decisions, nor to receive suggestions that are undoubtedly going to be extremely disgusting to them.
    We would all have more and better sex were more men more decent and polite.

  4. I know you can’t see me right now, Lily, but take my word that I’m giving you a standing ovation for this post. (I’d like to give you a double thumbs-up at the same time, but I’d need a second set of arms, so you’ll just have to take that part as read, too.)

  5. I’ve always wondered, does it creep you out any that men like watching your performances? I could see how that could be unnerving.

  6. this is rather interesting topics , though I would like to point out a few things in defence of men :
    1. you said that men, mostly only care about sex, well that’s pretty much true in case if you are living on western earth hemisphere, when fucking without marriage is very common thing. not on east side, where your dick can be chopped off or worse. So culture difference really make men have different approach on beautiful ladies. :p
    2, True that a move on is necessary if you are just on 1st approach on you, but it difference with men who actually have long term friendship with you (even though you are a lesbian). It’s not easy to move on for this kind of men, sometimes I wish even a lesbian should just shove them away, just grant them what they wish (and it’s not always sex). And I bet their wish is simply by staying by your side (and your GF)… yeah pretty much a lesbro I think (like myself), except I can marry both of them because culture and ethics must do so in my country :p
    3. Not all men are assholes (actually they are few of them which are not assholes, a sad reality)
    4. I’m sorry we are breed to ejaculate at least once a week, you should blame the God who made us like that, not blaming us for thinking dirty, especially to pornstar like you :p
    5. there is a problem of being cool but lonely :/ and there is even bigger problem, for us, men, we will always do the initiative to approach girls, which mean that’s always cost us money, time and even our brain protein about saying something NOT to offend the ladies, which offend pretty hard. Sorry ladies, sometimes we really can’t understand of WHAT you really want (which often disoriented us, so yeah, girls understand girls better than men, another even sadder reality). Then again we are necessary evil for survival of mankind :p

      1. experience dear, because I’m a man, though when ages hit, we become a little bit less assholes and less fucking. And sorry, english not happen to be my primary language, you might read my advice being a dumbass anyway.

  7. If I had a dollar for how many times I have gotten those lines from straight men. I would have more money than a Porn Star 😉

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *