The Goat in the Mirror

When I was a child, I had two goats. We bought them to keep our horse company, but she hated them, so they lived in their own pen which they were continually finding new ways to escape from. When they escaped, one of their favorite pastimes involved slamming their heads into our plate glass windows, attacking their own reflections. No matter how many times they attacked the hard, cold, glass goat they never learned that it was themselves. Goats lack that self awareness. Unfortunately, so do many people.

I've used this metaphor before, in reference to men who ask me incredibly stupid questions about my sexuality without turning that line of questioning on to themselves. I have this sort of standard slate of responses to the "how do you know you're a lesbian" question which are all based on forcing the person to see the "goat in the mirror." If you say "how do you know if you don't like it if you haven't tried it?" I'll come back with "how do you?" If you tell me I haven't had the right dick yet, I'll ask you to go find it first.

So here's this article from Kitty Stryker, a rather disingenuous portrait of the Great Twitter War of June 2014. On another iteration of the article, on her personal blog, she has tagged it "don't tell me how to live" a hilariously profound irony, given the subject. The entire point of the twitter war wasn't that trans women don't have a place in porn. It was that I did not desire to make that porn as either a performer or a director.

The success of "TransGrrls" a product explicitly marketed as trans porn, does not speak to the marketability of trans women in porn not marketed as trans porn. It shows us that trans porn sells, not that putting a pre-op TS gal in "Lesbian Babysitters 46" is the right way to go about things. It certainly doesn't justify demanding that a fellow artist support your desires instead of her own.

We do, actually, have an example of a director using "lesbian porn" as a platform for trans acceptance. Nica Noelle cast Drew Deveaux with Sinn Sage in "Lesbian Sorrority". By all accounts, both performers enjoyed the scene but there was a HUGE backlash from fans who felt cheated by not being told about Drew's status. Whether that's bigoted really doesn't matter. People's sexualities are personal. People's sexualities are complicated. I, too, am turned off by the concept of transsexuality. I don't think trans women are men (that's just as myopic as saying there's NO DIFFERENCE between trans women and non trans women). I believe that trans people deserve equal rights. I just do not connect erotically with transness. I feel similarly about fat. Or, for that matter, about my own female relatives. I consider them women, obviously, but women off limits to my sexuality. That the genre is called "lesbian" does not mean it is meant to encompass everyone who considers themselves lesbians.

Which isn't to say that I thought what Nica did was wrong. I don't believe in telling other directors what to do. Please, continue to make porn that is authentic to your sexual self. Please continue to center your own experience in your work. Please continue to devote your energy and your time and your creative force to increasing the amount of content in the world that speaks to you. All that I ask is that you allow me to do the same.



  1. “don’t tell me how to live” I got this saying pretty much in my most life. When I simply said like “based on my exprience, you should not…” then I got shot back with that “don’t tell me how to live”. Sure I know I’m a bother, but what is a problem from being simply care to another human being? If I’m master of mankind, I would have that “don’t tell me how to live” person buried alive ASAP with the crime for simply uncare to his own welfare being. I know human very dark nature is to live as free as possible that I could know cross the boundary of nature itself ( I know one thing that animals do not have homos and transgender, unless a human interfere with that), it’s up to common sense human to give lesson to another human, that simply living a free life is not a way to survive.

    1. Animal sexuality is actually far messier than people think. There’s this trope that “only humans mate for pleasure” but in fact, it’s really the other way around. Animals only mate because they feel compelled to/they like it. That’s it. They don’t know what pregnancy is because they lack a sense of time deep enough to connect the dots…this thing happened months ago and then this other thing happened.

      There are certainly LOTS of examples of same-sex sexual interaction in animals of many kinds, a few examples of exclusively homosexual animals (namely, rams. This is so much an issue that sheep farmers have to be careful about ending up with gay rams who won’t “do their job” and impregnate their flock) and a few examples of what we mind consider “transgender” animals who belong to one sex but behave as members of the other sex. Of course, intersex animals exist, and are relatively common in certain kinds of animals. Animals are pretty cool, and “nature” is full of all kinds of freaky stuff. The only “nature” that human beings go against is the construct of “nature” that we fucking made up.

      1. ‘The only “nature” that human beings go against is the construct of “nature” that we fucking made up’

        well said 🙂 still it’s a bit different stories if we live on apocalyptic world. Wonder if you still be you (preferred women) and I still be I (preferred lesbo). Sometimes what happen around us force us to change, (Im wondering if you and I the only one alive, how do we survive? would you still remain a lesbian? and I’m a still a dick for putting this topic? :p )

        1. So I’m pretty sure this dude literally asked me if I would fuck him if he was the last man on Earth.

          Allow me to go on the record here. If some kind of apocalypse happens and the last people left on this Earth are a lesbian porn star and…whoever you are, darklord…I shall let humanity go gently into that good night. Whatever we did to create the situation assuredly means we deserve it.

          1. :p just pointing out an example, and it’s not me who just one to fuck you, I bet many guys will fuck you anyway after seeing your porn (then again, as you said in many last post, you dont give a shit).
            And assuming humanity deserve apocalypse, well yeah, they deserve it while I said to myself, I DONT DESERVE IT, cause why, I’m just doing in everything to prevent that happen, especially I try to stamp out the so called ‘freedom’. because it’s just happen that my country who just happen to live as happy as they are in strict society albeit everything is a guaranteed a good life until death and (suppose) 7th generation live a happy life. Suddenly an intervention from so called UN / US/ or whatever country shit spouting ‘the people are enslave by dictator, they dont give freedom’ and suddenly a regime change and happy short civil war. and when peace arrive with so called ‘freedom’ and what do we get? everything become commercialized, where water is free, now we have to pay, where school is free, now we have to pay. If freedom is so happy thing, why it have to trade with survival, which is bigger and better things than freedom.. well at least the only thing I enjoy my so called ‘freedom’ is watching your lesbo porn now but then again that is not a fair trade as life is thrice harder than your porn… try to live on the worse side, lily… it will give you some better insight especially a lesson on ‘real’ pain and survival, peace out.
            (in case you are wondering, why I choose darklord nickname = darth vader, he is seen as some tyrant (together with palpatine), then again the empire at star wars did the right thing, making sure everyone behave them self, not too hedonism and not too ambitious)

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