I am in a weird mood, and so I'm going to write this weird blog post.
If you check out my site, you'll notice that every video I have on here is girl/girl (or lots of girls). Obviously, there isn't any boy/girl, but you'll also notice that I don't post solo masturbation videos like most other girls with their own sites do. Personally, I think this is a good thing, because while (for most people who are not me, but we'll get to that) it's easier to make solo videos because you can make a whole bunch the same day by changing outfits and such and you don't need to rely on other people's availability, girl/girl is hotter.
But if you're one of the people who has asked to shoot some solo, this blog post is for you. I absolutely hate shooting solo and consider it firmly on my no list, and I'd like to take a moment to explain myself.
I have two basic reasons for not wanting to masturbate on camera:
1. I have an uncomfortable relationship with masturbation. I know this is crazy, since my job is making movies that other people masturbate to, but I have never gotten myself off. I have brought scores of women to orgasm, and I'm both good at explaining what I want to other women and a pretty quick trigger. I just do not get along with myself in that way - we have no chemistry. My sexuality is very other-focused - what turns me on is getting other girls off and connecting with them - and when I'm alone there's none of that energy to connect with. At least, that's the best I can explain it. Who knows, maybe it's residual Catholic guilt.
When I was younger, before I was having much sex, I assumed I was unable to orgasm and I was really frustrated about it (most of my earliest sexual experiences involved me fucking other girls without them reciprocating). Basically, I can get aroused and almost get there but I never get there. I got my clit hood piercing when I was 18 because I thought that I was anorgasmic and that the piercing would fix me. I'm pretty sure that the problem wasn't my body, it was my sex-partner (me) because once I started getting fucked on a regular basis I discovered I was multi-orgasmic and easy to get off.
I did shoot some solo at the dawn of my porn career and it was a horrible experience and totally ruined my already tenuous relationship with masturbation. While I used to be able to assist/touch myself during sex with someone else, now that just upsets me. My biggest turn off is when a girl asks me to touch myself - I suck it up when this happens on camera and just say "no you do it" or something but I wither inside at this request.
It also upsets me when producers ask me to shoot solo. I get the request all the time and I'm always polite when I decline, but me saying "no solo" weirds people out and they'll almost always ask me why and act baffled. What is far worse is when I am booked for a girl/girl shoot and I'm told, when I arrive on set, that I have to do a solo first. I've had this happen a few times. My heart starts racing, my face feels hot, my stomach twists. Being asked to shoot solo is probably the only thing in the world I would describe as triggering. Anyway, I tell them I don't shoot solo and they are always shocked. I pride myself on not being difficult but this is a hard line for me. Had I been told about the solo beforehand I would have been upfront about not shooting it. Had it beem non negotiable I would have declined the shoot. Fortunately, I've always been kept for the girl/girl scene I was booked for and never sent home.
2. Solo is too straight for me. Girl/girl is considered a part of straight porn, but my goal is always to connect with my costar and fuck, being cognizant of angles and so on, but having an experience with this other person that the viewer can consume as a voyeur rather than connecting with the camera/viewer's gaze directly. Most solo videos require interaction with the camera, which makes me feel gross. Doing something that I don't like, faking an orgasm, and talking about myself to a camera guy is not my style. Webcam is worse but basically the same. I pride myself on my authenticity, and making solo videos is completely counter to that.
Sexuality is complicated. Hopefully this helps elucidate mine. I wrote this on my phone, so I apologize for any typos.