So my actual birthday was on a Tuesday this year. I just had to celebrate at my favorite place to go on Tuesdays - Porn Star Karaoke at Sardos Bar in Burbank.
I had recently come out to my sister about being in porn. (Actually she knew and I knew she knew but she didn't know I knew she knew until a few days before my party- because in case you didn't know, my life is basically a sitcom.) Anyway, she couldn't make the other party we were holding for my non-porn friends, so she decided to come to PSK. She came straight from work (she's a teacher) dressed in a pencil skirt and a button down shirt. Sten and I met up with her outside the bar and then went in.
Jamey Janes was already there, looking amazing with her shaved head and new tattoos. I can't find any pictures of her with her shaved head except for some mini ones on her tumblr. Click her picture to go there.
So, anyway, Jamey looked hot. I think I was there about five minutes before we ended up making out on the dance floor and grinding up against some random chick that was trying to sing. Jamey is crazy. She is crazier than me. She is also Russian. The first time I met her, I asked her where she was from.
"Kansas," she replied, in a thick Russian accent.
"Oh," I said. "What's your accent?"
"This is Kansas accent."
My sister was getting her share of attention. She was sitting over in the porn star section (and she is hot and blonde), so Nikki Hunter came over to ask if she was in porn (so she could announce her if she was). I told Nikki this was my kid sister, and that she was a teacher. "It's always like this," Jamey said. "Two sisters. One of them whore. One of them teacher."
Jamey then proceeded to hit on my sister.
"Do you have boyfriend?" She asked, leaning across me to touch Katie's leg.
Katie shook her head.
"Do you want boyfriend?"
Katie shrugged. I used to think she didn't date much, but apparently she does and just doesn't tell me about it because she thinks I'll spill the beans to my mother and she doesn't want my mother to know because my mother is crazy (sitcom, remember?)
"It's okay," said Jamey, decisively. "I put on strap on. I be your boyfriend."
I went to the bathroom, and while I was gone, Jamey tried to get my sister drunk. Katie ordered an Appletini (which actually did get her sloshed because she's a lightweight - she's totally the good sister). Jamey tried to get her to drink something harder. "No, no. You no drink girly drink. You drink two shots vodka."
When I returned to the table, Jamey was trying to spit vodka into my sister's mouth. I took the shot instead, made out with Jamey for a while, and decided to go back to the bathroom for some alone time (you know that scene in Art School Dykes, where I pick up Violet Monroe and fuck her in the bathroom...that's what my life is like). Jamey licked me for a while, at which point a waitress came out of a stall.
Now I guess I need to mention that I am kind of in trouble with Sardos. Although the last couple of times I've gone I've been on my best behavior, before AVN I fucked a fan on the dance floor. Before that I took off my clothes many times. I asked the waitress not to tell on me, but she said she had to. Jamey suggested we wait for her shift to end and teach her a lesson, but I suggested we go to my car instead. She fucked the shit out of me.
When we got back, Jamey told us about how she used to pick up chicks in Russia. "I tell them, I teach you how to kiss. When we are getting ready to go out, I say, we take shower two at time. I'm not lesbian. It faster."
Around this time April O Neil showed up. The last time I'd seen April was AVN. As I think I've mentioned, she's a great kisser.
Anyway, we went out to my car. I dragged my webmaster Sam along and she took a video with her iphone which apparently is super blurry. April and I had just gotten started when we noticed cops walking around, so we went back inside the bar. Apparently Brando Murphy was singing a song for me, but I missed it because I was busy having sex in the back of an '84 Benz. I really dig this girl. I'm going to be shooting with her next week.
When we got back, Jamey was giving my sister a foot massage. I asked Katie if she was okay. She was. Jamey sucked her toes. That was a little too much for her. Jamey stopped and started taking off her top. I told her this was bad, but she did it anyway. I "covered" her nipples...with my mouth. A security guard came over to tell me not to let my friends get naked or I would get kicked out. I told him I wasn't the one getting naked and he just looked at me.
The girl I'd gotten in trouble over (she's a redhead from Virginia) was there to wish me a happy birthday, and Jamey and I both made out with her on the dance floor. Somewhere in there, I also sang two songs: Hot Stuff and Angels Will Fall. It was a an awesome evening but I was very bad. April said I would probably have gotten kicked out if it wasn't my birthday. She was probably right. Next time I go, I'll be nice. I promise. Ladies, don't tempt me.