There's a joke I tell on stage about Los Angeles: "L.A. is a glittering facade over a steaming pile of bullshit. The engine that powers the glitter burns your broken dreams. Los Angeles doesn't love you. Los Angeles is just using you, but you'll take it, and you'll like it, because Oh my God ... I know baby, it's ok ... Oh my God, it's so... BIG."
L.A. is soulless. I knew the whole time, I just didn't care. I described myself as having half of a soul. I told people the truth. I explained the rules, and how to subvert them. I was not L.A.'s whore but L.A.'s daughter, a double agent, an anti-hero, the kindest of the whorebreakers. I can do better.
I left five days ago. I said goodbye to what friends I could. I've seen a lot of the world, mostly on my back, but I haven't seen enough of it. I'm in Kentucky right now, on my way to New York, where I'll spend what's left of August before I catch a flight to Dublin and then beyond. My fuck list could repopulate the Earth, but I've only seen 7 countries.
I told myself, long ago, that I did porn to be a better writer. "Ok, Universe," I said. "I'll see your Diablo Cody and raise you one." My plan, 70 dog years ago, was to do a tour and write about it... but porn stole my heart. I found a home in this community. I felt personally and artistically fulfilled. I had friends who understood my lifestyle. I was the undisputed master of a particular skillset, and life was good. Still, I did this for art, and I have more to say that I cannot say in the language of lesbian sex, especially with the declining budgets of the PornHub era.
I am not retiring, but refocusing. I will finish Fantasy Girl, which you can read in real time at patreon.com/lilycade . There are other books in me, other scripts. You have not seen the last of me. I am simply tired of the plastic and the palm trees and the disconnect. I am tired of mating in captivity. I am tired of the same sights and the same sounds and the same smells.
I will continue to shoot, when it feels right, for LilyCade.com. On my "farewell tour" of the United States I've already collected five scenes. I expect I'll see some action overseas, and I have quite a lot of great content saved up. 10 years is a long time. 4,000 women is a lot of women. My last scene is still ahead of me... but there only so many left.
You can stay abreast of my travels at my snapchat, @lilycade. You can sign up here. I will remain active on twitter and instagram, and I am starting a new blog to document my travels, which I'll link to once it's ready. I have passed through the low point of this act, and begin the next. It's a good one. Stay with me.