When I was a child, I had two goats. We bought them to keep our horse company, but she hated them, so they lived in their own pen which they were continually finding new ways to escape from. When they escaped, one of their favorite pastimes involved slamming their heads into our plate glass windows, attacking their own reflections. No matter how many times they attacked the hard, cold, glass goat they never learned that it was themselves. Goats lack that self awareness. Unfortunately, so do many people.
I’ve used this metaphor before, in reference to men who ask me incredibly stupid questions about my sexuality without turning that line of questioning on to themselves. I have this sort of standard slate of responses to the “how do you know you’re a lesbian” question which are all based on forcing the person to see the “goat in the mirror.” If you say “how do you know if you don’t like it if you haven’t tried it?” I’ll come back with “how do you?” If you tell me I haven’t had the right dick yet, I’ll ask you to go find it first.
I’ve been calling myself “Porn Valley’s Gold Star Lesbian” since I figured out that it was something that set me apart from other performers. When I first got into porn, I used “Lily Cade: Not The Girl Next Door” for about five minutes (on my myspace. Yes, I know. I’m dating myself) in response to having been told that I needed to be more “girl next door” if I wanted to work. It’s never been a goal of mine to be just like everyone else, but there are a lot of non GND girls. There are not a lot of “gold star lesbians” or lesbians in general, so I went with something that really did set me apart.
If you’ve been following my twitter, you’re aware that for days now I’ve been engaged in what I’m calling “The Great Twitter War of June 2014″. I did not want to fight this, but I’m also not somebody who will allow myself to be bullied with accusations of bigotry for either my sexuality or my artistic expression. To some extent this has been an SF vs LA battle, but it’s also been a grown ups vs children battle.
There’s more to this, and I may get into later. Certainly I’m archiving some of these tweets. Here’s the basics: Chelsea Poe, a pre- or non-op transsexual woman (a human being with a penis and testicles) asked me to cast her in my lesbian porn. I said no, and she accused me of transphobia, and it could have been left at that, but people piled on and piled on and I stood there and fought it because this whole thing is coming from a place of refusal to face reality… and I don’t believe in suffering delusion.
I once went hiking with my wife and a girl who was then our sometimes lover and happened upon a waterfall. Kids were jumping off the cliff into a rocky pool of water below. We weren’t going to jump, but I looked back, and something in me told me I had to. I stripped to my bra and went up to the ledge. I almost turned back, but the boy behind me told the girls with him “you can do it, look, she’s doing it” so I had to then, so I did.
The second my feet left the edge my first thought was “I regret this” but it was too late. I was in the air. I had to follow through. I hit the water, my heart pounding, my breath seizing in my chest, and it was cold and it was hard and I wasn’t exactly happy that I’d done it but it was an experience for my file.
Today I got into a war on twitter, which I wish I hadn’t done, but I stand by what I said. I don’t have to fight your fight, and I don’t have to hire or fuck you, and porn is maybe art and maybe smut and maybe corporate trash…but neither porn nor sex is a civil right. I am proud of who I am, and of my work, but you don’t have to like me or it. If you want change in porn (or in anything else) then make it, but why attack a fellow artist for not being interested in your subject of choice? I don’t belong to anyone but myself.
I get this question a lot. It shows a lack of understanding of sex so profound it saddens me. My friend has an easy answer to this one: “You like vaginas, right? Sheep have vaginas.” I feel this sums it up pretty perfectly, but I have more to say on the subject.
Sex is about connection. The sex acts we do and the tools we use to do them (toys, tongues, fingers, dicks, pussies, the force of our energy, our voices, our words and everything else) are about furthering this connection. Our bodies have nerves, and sex engages those nerves…but the reason we fuck people and not sit alone and use a vibrator or our own hands or a fleshlight is because we want to experience something with another person. Sex is mutual.
People talk to me online every day. Some of these interactions are great, but some of them are exceedingly annoying. I get asked for my number by random people on twitter, or asked to email nude photos, or otherwise treated in a way that makes it abundantly clear that the person interacting with me is clueless about how to go about speaking to a porn star, a woman, or probably anyone.
Sex is for grown-ups. We call this the adult industry, because our product is intended for adults. You’ll get a lot more out of your interactions with the people who make porn if you treat us like adults…and if you act like an adult yourself. No, I’m not going to give you my number (before you ask something of me, ask yourself why I would do it…if the best you can come up with is “because I want you to” it’s probably not going to happen). I’m not going to give you special individual attention for free. Buy something from me. Join this website. Buy a signed DVD. Say something interesting to me on twitter.
I’ve recently had a couple of interviews published. I like being able to be open and honest with people about my career and myself.
Interview one is with porn reviewer Captain Jack for AdultDVDtalk.com. I liked this one, and think it’s a pretty good overview of who I am.
Interview two is for SimplySxy.com. This one is a little weird – some of the questions they asked me just weren’t really appropriate for me and they censored the work “fuck” – but still interesting.
Just for fun, here’s an old interview from the dawn of my porn career. Divested Films, by the way, went under, although I do credit them with being the impetus behind me starting LilyCade.com. My wife and I had to take it over from them, and run it ourselves.
A fan showed me this video today. I think it’s brilliant. I’ve heard literally all of these things from straight men trying to pick me up (including the aggressive stuff at the end, and the crying). I just love this.
I’ve occasionally had fans or reviewers complain that scenes in my movies are filmed in “uncomfortable places.” It’s true, I do love shooting scenes on kitchen counters and cars, dumpsters in alley ways, and other things that aren’t beds. I’m making a movie where people fuck, not sleep. I like seedy things, like dumpster sex and public sex and sex that’s dirty. I like sex in uncomfortable places because it says “I want you now, I want you here, and I don’t care about anything else”. I love urgency. I love being able to represent people really wanting to fuck each other, rather than just fucking each other (or whatever that thing is straight girls do when they shoot girl/girl porn…pantomiming fucking each other?)
I’ve done a lot of work with companies that make movies focused on really natural, friendly or romantic sex. I love these kinds of movies. I love being able to have casual, hot sex with my friends and lovers and show it the world, but I’m also a filmmaker. I don’t always want to make a documentary.
I love porn. I love my job. I’m really a very happy person who is doing something that she loves.
I recently went to New York (and I’ll write more extensively about it later) and got to work with a lot of people who, like me, were doing porn because they wanted to do it instead of because they didn’t know what else to do with their lives. It was refreshing, to be with fellow artists, with people with vision, and to help them realize that vision.
I tweeted a lot about it, and I’ve decided to collect some of those thoughts here instead:
As you may know, I sometimes work on non-porn projects. Here’s a music video I’m in (and also worked as the Assistant Director on) for one of my favorite bands, Gangstagrass!
Say you’re at a party, and you meet a girl who totally does it for you. You make a pass, but it falls flat. “I’m a lesbian,” says the object of your affections, and you search your brain for the perfect response. You know you can totally change her mind. You’re going to hit her with some dude logic that is going to make her reconsider the way her mind and body processes attraction, because you’re just so cool.
Sound like you? Tsk tsk. That line you’re thinking of, the one that’s going to turn her straight? She’s heard it forty times, she thinks you’re a dumbass, and she’s got more than one clever response already ready to go.
Look, I don’t fault anyone for making a pass, for expressing their attraction to someone else, for “trying.” I don’t care if you hit on me. I’ll even say “thanks” when you tell me I have nice tits, but thinking you’re that one special dude who is going to make me straight after a lifetime of unabashed lesbianism? Yeah, I’m laughing at you. My friends are laughing at you. My fans on the Internet are laughing at you.